Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last year, Thanksgiving put life into perspective.

Last year, my father had a heart attack Thanksgiving morning and drove himself to the hospital.

Last year, my father almost died....but, he didn't.

After multiple surgeries, life support, and months of rehab, my father is alive, functional, and very much still a HUGE part of my life. Today, while I am thankful for the 'usual' stuff, I am totally giving thanks because my father lives, and walks, and sings!

I learned to appreciate the 'little' things in life.  With all we went through, I learned to love my sister, even more than I thought I ever could have loved her.

I also learned to grieve.  I lost my best friend, but I learned that if you love someone with all your heart, while they are here, and are thankful for them while they are with you, you can deal with their death so much easier and can even make wonderful things happen in their memory.  I am so thankful I had a best friend like her...and I am so glad I cherished her while she was here.  I am most thankful that I am able to continue to spend time with her family and continue to grow with everything that she taught me.

...and of course, I learned that another Thanksgiving meant another year alive!

Today, I am celebrating life...and everything in it...and I am celebrating my love for our God....for without Him,  none of anything would be possible.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

I can focus on the positive...

Ok, so as if my post yesterday didn't reflect enough confusion...I am even more confused today.

My biggest fear in life is losing a child.  My heart truly breaks for those who have lost children.  My heart is breaking now for someone I know who just lost a child.

My heart is breaking all over the place and I just can't figure some things out.

However, for roughly the last 24 hours, I have had spent time with the youngest daughter of my dearly, loved best friend who passed away...and the time I have spent with her has been so amazing.  We looked at pictures, some of which had her mom in them and some of which were actually taken by her mom.  She didn't cry at all...she actually smiled quite a few times as we reminisced...all the while, I tried my best to hold back tears.

So, today, I am going to focus on the smile of a child who lost her mother just 8 months ago...for, if she can smile today, then I should, too...though, in times like this, it's definitely hard to do.

Today, I accept that I can't understand or fix everything...but, I can try my hardest to focus on the positive, which today, happens to be the smile of a beautiful 8 year old girl.

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

I just...don't get it.

Life, that is.

I don't get why some women can have children without even really trying, only to abandon them by not wanting to love, nurture or guide them through life.

I don't get how a mother, who loved her children with all her heart, could be tragically taken away from her family due to an awful accident.

I don't get how a woman, who desires to be a mother so badly, can't bear children on her own....despite trying with all her might.

I am not angry, or mad...I am just confused and hurt.

I would have given anything to have had a mother that wanted to love, nurture and guide me through life...I would have loved to have mother like Beth or SIF...I just don't get why things happen the way that they do...but, I pray that one day I will be at peace with it.

For now, I just don't get it...

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